Sunday, June 13, 2010

Hanging out on my own

My roommate has been gone since May 24th. She's off traveling in Israel and Europe until June 20-something. Need I say how jealous I am? :) Anyway, I was happy to see her go partially because she is kind of a drain on my energy. There was tension and she can be so negative sometimes. I can be so negative sometimes, but that's me; I don't need extra negativity weighing me down. But now that she's actually gone, it's so lonely here! It was nice having at least someone to say hello to and do a round of "How was your day?", however fake or tense it was.

Now, my boyfriend is gone for the week. He's at some conference in San Francisco for work. Our brains are so strange. Just knowing that he's farther away than normal makes me feel even lonelier. Not that I'm able to see him all the time anyway because it's just too tiring for me, but at least he was "around". Now he's too "busy" to even call me, which is upsetting on so many levels. I am bedridden and he's off having wonderfully full, busy days and forgetting about me (and not caring how I'm doing). So I'm bitter. I wouldn't care so much if I could do my own things, but here I am in bed.  I feel like I'm hanging on his every action, because I can't do things myself. And in the olden days, if I was upset about something, I'd get fired up and defiantly go out and do my own thing. And the memory of that is frustrating. And I'm just overall annoyed with myself because I know I'm getting upset over nothing and being melodramatic, but I can't do the things I normally do to make it go away, I'm just forced to marinate here in my annoyingly needy feelings that seem to get over-amplified nowadays.

Things were easier when I had no one in my life and was fending for myself. There were no expectations for people (because there were no people!), so there was never a chance to be disappointed by friends or sig others.  And now, it seems when I get the tiniest bit disappointed, it's like the flood gates open and all I can think about is how crap life is. And I'm usually pretty good about keeping those thoughts at bay.

Alright, enough of the pity-fest! Time to do some stretches :)

1 comment:

Dawn said...

First, thanks for visiting my blog :-)

Oh how I understand the feeling left out and left behind. My husband has continued with the social life - WE had prior to my diagnosis. I'm no longer able to keep up. I have to constantly push that resent me out of my mind. However, there are some advantages: I can watch WHATEVER I want on TV with no complaints, I am truly able to pace myself better when alone, and there are no disturbances during nap time.

Believe me, I understand the bitterness and by no means do I mean to make light of it. You will see multiple posts about this on my blog. It's hard to watch other people continue with their lives, and I'm so sorry you are going through this right now.

I hope you feel a bit better today. (Hugs)