Saturday, June 12, 2010

Other People's Stories

Another thought. I started this blog in the hopes of connecting with people. I feel like no one in my life understands what I'm going through so I wanted to find people who would. Because, let's be honest, unless you experience ME/CFS for yourself, you have no idea what we're talking about it and it may sound a bit ridiculous ("you're too tired??").  But in reading other people's blogs and reading the current literature out there on ME/CFS, I'm rediscovering why I stopped doing this a year ago. It's utterly depressing! There is no good research and literature out there (as you all painfully know) and no "cures" or effective treatments in close sight (maybe at a far distance, yes). And for someone who has only had it for two years, it's very daunting and disturbing to read blogs of people who have had this condition for 10+ years because in my heart of hearts I refuse to believe that it could possibly be me in the future. And reading these stories makes me face the cold, hard truth of the situation: that it WILL be me and there's nothing I can do about it.

So. This will be my yearly check-in to the status of ME/CFS and call it a day. I don't think I'm strong enough right now to keep reading about it all the time. All it does it knock my spirits down. And when you're so precariously perched  between acceptance and depression, you don't want anything upsetting that balance and pushing you over into utter despair. Maybe someday, but right now I guess I'm just not emotionally strong enough. And maybe my beliefs that I will get better also aren't strong enough to stand against the constant reinforcement that things won't get better. This doesn't mean I want to stop connecting to others though. :)

And I will still believe. This WON'T be me, dammit! some way...I will get through this and come out healthy and happy on the other side.

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