Sunday, August 15, 2010


I sometimes think a lot of the "moving forward" part of our lives depends quite a bit on acceptance. Acceptance of what is, acceptance of what isn't (and how very much there isn't!), acceptance of our limitations, acceptance of the uncertain future. I'd like to think that a lot of my feeling slowly better over the last, gosh 8 months is it (?!), has to do with my acceptance of my current state. Yes, I'm sick. Yes, I have to admit temporary (hopefully) defeat and rest. But it's all so unnatural and counter-intuitive! Our natural resilience and urge to fight back prevents us from doing so. I mean, who really wants to admit defeat? It's like laying down in the middle of a busy street and deciding that whatever happens happens. It's relinquishing control over our lives to the forces that be. But it's the only thing that ever helps in the long run I think. Admitting to ourselves that no matter what we do, we can't do it all, and in the end it only makes things worse. So I've accepted that, and I'm ok with it. I've mourned the loss of the "now"; it's a worthy sacrifice for good health.  And I think now I'm working on accepting that the future I imagined for myself before I got sick might never come to be either, which will be (yes, yes, it will, I have to remind myself) OK too. It can be just as fulfilling, just in a different way. So, I'm mourning that now and coming to accept it (I've even be able to voice my concerns about it out loud to a few people; quite a step forward I think since I couldn't before without become too overcome with emotion). But it will all be OK, one way or another! I truly believe that (really, what other choice do I have?). Anyway, just some thoughts rolling around in my head. Hopefully all this acceptance of the future and whatnot will help the improvement process as well somehow.

I also think, maybe, just maybe, that I've reached a point where my tiredness from the low level of activity I do is due to more of muscle deconditioning than pure CFS alone. So I think it's time to bump up my level of physical activity before I become too lumpy. I think I might pull out some very very light weights I have. Maybe...I might wait a few weeks to really feel out the situation.

Also! I went to a concert last night! Blues legends BB King and Buddy Guy. First concert I went to in a loooong time. Tiring, but quite wonderful. It felt good to be out amongst people, listening to amazing music. Really, it felt good to be alive, and I haven't felt that so deeply in a long while. I'll admit it, I got a bit teary eyed. :)


Jo said...

Awesome post! Renee, over at Renee's Reflections, has talked about the difference between acceptance and resignation. I think this is what you have discovered. In mourning the loss of the 'now' you expected you are gaining a new 'now' which can be as rich and exciting as you allow it to be.

Just a tip on activity. Keep a log of what you do and score your daily energy level out of ten. Then you can look back and see how you are doing. And see if you can build up your activity without ill-effects before you start exercising. E.g. can you peg out the washing AND cook dinner with a rest in between? If you get into exercise proper too soon you'll get so much payback you'll be discouraged.

Sorry, being your Mum. I'll stop now. :-)

upnorth said...

M.E./CFS is something that's really hard to come to terms. I struggled a lot with that my first few years especially. I think because my "old life" was still so close.

Plus, in our society/culture, that's what you do - you push through, tough it out, buck up. This is an illness where that makes you worse and it's so counter intutitive. I agree with Jo and the activity logging. I learnt A LOT!!!! though the proces of logging my activities. For one, I learned I often crash TWO DAYS after actitivty.

I agree that coming to terms with being sick in the now and giving your body a chance to rest and heal sets you up for a better possibility of recovery.

Hang in there, what a great post!!

Dawn said...

As you know, my husband sees my acceptance as "giving up". It's so hard to undo that mindset and realize that acceptance is about acknowledgement, about admitting what your limits are and finding peace with that, still having hope but not being blind to what your body needs. I think it takes great strength to find acceptance and that is the furthest thing from giving up as possible.
I'm so glad you were able to enjoy the concert, I can only imagine how wonderful it felt to feel the music through your bones and to be around people - I'm so happy for you.
Go easy with those weights please :-) - Easy does it.....


Lee Lee said...

Well said, I am totally with you!

Judy said...

DolceVita ~ Good thoughts, girl! In my experience acceptance is a continuing needed work in progress.

I offer you encouragement to do some weight training. I've been at it for 2 1/2 years (against all odds?) and am reaping the rewards in several ways! I'm in it for life if the bod will allow! Remember: slow and easy.


julie said...

hello there,
Just a quick word from me, with a gentle push from my husband we have come to the same conclusion that the increasing muscle pain and tiredness is due to decreasing amounts of activity and muscle deconditioning. So I have just started to write down what I actually do in a day and together we will try to work out a gentle programme of excercise to increase my activity. If you visit my site on the attached link you can read my story and my husbands take on things. If you see any article you would like to use on your own site they are available to use and if we swap URL's we can advertise on each others sites.

Sipora said...

Hi! I see you don't really write but do you mind if I contact you? I have been dealing with CFS for awhile. Ive been taking T3 meds and have major questions. if you can PLEASE contact me!!!!