Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Swimming in the stream

And trying to just let things float on by and not snag, but it's not working at the moment. I've managed to get my life to a (self-deluding) point where it felt like things were under my control. Work has been not as exhausting because I've had a very understanding/compassionate boss for a year, I've been doing restorative yoga twice a week (when I haven't been bogged down with peripheral illnesses) lately, going grocery shopping for myself recently, things in the relationship are good, I've stopped pushing myself to do things I shouldn't for the most part, etc etc. Things felt...in order (at least as much as they could be). But, this just serves to show one should never get to comfortable and think things are ever in control because they are not. Nothing toooo serious has happened, I'm just starting to freak out/stress out about things changing and I feel like a victim of life because things are happening that I have no control over and can't even respond to properly to better my situation because there is no "better" outcome.

First off, my car hydroplaned on Saturday (spun more than 360 degrees on the freeway and hit the center divide). Fortunately, I got off easy with (all things considered) minimal damage to my car and a mild concussion + whiplash. But it has been such a stressful week because of that so I'm already off-kilter because of that. I've had a dull headache since and my neck/upper back hurt. Now I find out that my boss is leaving us, which leaves a vacuum and no one to buffer all the requests for physically demanding tasks that I just can't do. Top it off, it seems like my coworker, who has taken up most of the physical tasks, is also stressed out and might be leaving. This is right when things are ramping up at work. I've been stressed out beyond belief about this future prospect (which, I realize I really need to stop and just see how things unfold) because the idea of feeling extra sick all the time again is just frightening.  I've finally felt some modicum of control (hah!) over my life, and now it's terrifying me that I'll lose it.

I also stupidly decided to start looking for a job just in case things fall apart at work, but any job I find would require working full-time to get benefits, and I don't know if it's worse to stay at my job part-time and kill myself physically, or work full-time at a less physically demanding job when I can't even work full-time now. But when it comes down to it, there are very few jobs where you can just sit all day, and as I'm coming to learn, I am completely unskilled. Working in a research lab has not given me any skills, and considering I got this stupid condition a year out of college I have no "career path" to speak of. I'm feeling pretty useless right now.

Anyway....I'm just all emotionally wonky. Aside from the car accident and my boss leaving, nothing too bad has happened, so I'm mostly all sorts of stressed out. I know I need to pull it together because stress makes me feel so much worse. Sigh.

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