Tuesday, September 18, 2012

A second chance?

I am now officially unemployed. My boyfriend accepted the job in northern california and we moved 400 miles, essentially pretty last minute, over this past weekend. Of course it was 98 degrees on the day that I had to do the most stressful last-minute packing. Needless to say, I am pretty beat after this whole ordeal and need some time to recover. My muscles are aching and burning, my joints hurt, and I'm just plain EXHAUSTED.  I think I was on the verge of completely collapsing on and off again for the last 4 days. Not fun.  Since the plan is to not work until I get better, I can rest rest rest guilt-free until I'm back to my baseline (well, sort of, if I ignore the overwhelming guilt of not working and being supported by my boyfriend). HOWEVER. I am quite impressed with what I did manage to do every day in the last week leading up to the move. I packed a substantial amount of stuff, all things considering, even while still going to work 4-5 hours a day! Crash aside, thank you antibiotics! Couldn't imagine having done any of that even like 3 months ago!

So what now? This is potentially my second chance at life. I will finally get a chance to try out my crack-pot theory that unlimited rest and the proper (but ever so difficult to achieve) balance of activity and rest will help me find the way out of this sad life. You know, that and a healthy daily dose of 2 antibiotics and an antiviral/Lyme cyst-buster :) Haha. Anyway, I'm going to put together a very strict, rigid activity schedule for myself that includes slow, incremental increases in activity from the bare minimum I can handle right now. This tactic has worked well for me in the past, and now that I am in an environment that I can fully control (ie, no more work and people hounding me to do things and be active to a level I  have little say over), I think it should be easier to slowly increase activity and stick to that plan.

I am truly very lucky to be in this situation and I really hope this financial and personal (pride, fulfillment, etc) sacrifice pays off in the end. I do have a lot of hard work ahead of me and, more than ever, I have to contain my urge to run off and do 5 million things, but instead stick to my plan. That's probably the hardest part of all. Staying within my limits and now being my own physical therapist. We'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

All sorts of unsettled

I've been a bit MIA this summer, and the reason is that many many things in my life are completely up in the air right now. It's a very unsettling feeling, but one I've been forced to accept. My boyfriend has found a job up in northern California (we live in southern Cali currently, not living together). It's been a bit of a process because we haven't been sure for the last 3 months whether or not it would work out. It's still not completely final yet and we won't know if it's final until a week or less before we have to move. However it's a great opportunity for him (us, even), so worth all the stress in some ways, but it's definitely been emotionally taxing for me.  He's also been gone for most of summer doing some program in northern Cali so I had to deal with the long distance as well. I haven't been sleeping well, I have insomnia constantly. Will it happen, won't it happen. It has not been fun and can't imagine the stress and lack of sleep doing me any good. It's a wonder I've made any improvement this summer at all!

Moving is not exactly something I'm looking forward to. My family and whole support system is down here. My parents help me with laundry and cleaning my apartment. Up until 6 month ago, they were doing my grocery shopping and cooking for me. My brother and his wife help too when random things come up. My brother also just (well, 7 months ago, holy cow) had a beautiful little girl; my first niece! I am head over heels in love with her and have been wanting nieces and nephews for like...13 years. Literally, been waiting forever! It's just terrifying to think of leaving this behind because the best thing for me (most people with CFS?) is routine and a controlled situation. The unknown (even the smallest, most seemingly insignificant of things) scares me to an endless degree.

And at the same time, moving is my beacon of hope. After much much discussion, my boyfriend and I decided that I will not look for a job right away. I absolutely hate the idea of giving up my independence and not being able to support myself, to the core of my being. But I am taking my pride and my stubbornness and stuffing it somewhere it can't be found. Sacrifice for wellness, a lesson I've learned well these last few years. Anyway, I'm currently working 25 hours a week and it has only become manageable in the last few months since I started the antibiotics for the Lyme disease. Well,  manageable as long as no one asks me to do anything that requires stepping away from my beloved desk work. I am convinced (rather, desperately hoping) that if I take the energy I use for all work-related activities and apply it to slow, controlled stretching/yoga/etc I can increase my speed of recovery. I might be setting myself up for a good ol' dream shattering, but oh well. So I will take time off and try a controlled increase-of-activity regime (to be discussed in detail once I figure out what the heck that will be).

So, now, I'm slowly packing. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm packing. And it's exhausting, and terrifying, and exciting, and I just want it to be over so I can get back to my structured, controlled existence once again.